How can I be a better man?
Sept. 22, 2020

I Am Going to Disappoint You

I don’t know when but probably at some point I am going to disappoint you with either a lack of effort or missing a deadline. My brain will always choose to avoid pain. Work is pain. Remembering your birthday, your list, your life is work. So, I will forget or I won’t get everything done on that list and you are going to get pissed and that is just life.

This isn’t to my wife. This is to you the reader. I am doing these posts because the work is what makes us better. It is the only thing that brings me peace. I seek adventure constantly. A wise man once described me as the most addictive person he knew. So day in and day work?

I will disappoint you and for that I am sorry. It is my mind not my self. My mind spends all its time escaping pain and stroking the ego. My self, that which is truly me, loves you. Wants nothing more than to see you happy and to wrap you in a hug. That is the part that loves the work. Loves that peace that comes with it. Sits in the moment and swims in the emotion. That is the part this is fighting to come back and write each of the sentences.

My mind is the one that keeps taking breaks to hang out with anger or worry. It is the one that then builds a wall silently behind me so that when I drag myself out of what ever the current distraction is I am lost in a labyrinth. Now instead of going back through the door I just came out of and resuming whatever I need to I only see smooth wall. I can’t remember. Ahh…new distraction.

The mind has more tricks to wear my true self down. Shame and Fear shackles on to keep resentment and anger on point. There wasn’t a wall, there was a Minotaur. An obstacle that builds fear about yourself, about your abilities and choices. The choice to procrastinate, to not do the work, to lie. The false narrative you chose to make yourself feel better about letting everyone down. Now the mind has you doing it’s work it.

I want to be free of this. I want to do what is right by you. I want you to happy and whole because you deserve it. I want you to be like water. When every instance of anger, worry, or shame comes at you, you simply pass through or move around whatever the mind puts in your way.

I am not my mind. I am you. I deserve all the love that you can cram in this lifetime. I can only disappoint you if you look to the past or the future and they do not exist. I will never disappoint you in this moment and that is all that is actually true. My mind, ego, past, and future are all examples of a false narrative distracting me from this very moment, like some dog barking in the distance. This is the work. This is me loving myself.

I start with this post. Hopefully I will put in the time and effort to improve my life and those that I come into contact with. Editing will probably help but this stream of consciousness will hopefully convey my honesty and my vulnerability and encourages others to do so as well.